Two weeks ago I was lying in the bath meditating and I realised that I was slipping.
I hadn’t slipped far but it was far enough that I knew I needed to do something about it.
I have stayed safe in my home, my castle, for the past 18 months.
Hiding behind my hedge I felt distanced and protected from the outside world.
Rarely venturing out and only when absolutely necessary.
I didn’t stay at home because I was scared.
Although writing this I guess on some level I was because I decided last year that I was not going to put myself in a position that I needed to have a c*&%d test.
The main reason I stayed home was because as an empath I found it overwhelming to be out in my small town because of the fear I could feel emanating from everyone.
I began to order my groceries online.I would take my dog to the beach, one place where the air was clear both physically and energetically.
Last year my business as it had been for twenty years was no longer possible, so like so many others, I had to rejig and reinvent it.
Pivot, the buzz word from 2020, is what we did.
As we all scrambled to keep our businesses and our heads above water.
But pivoting took time, so many hours in front of the computer.
I did a number of courses to teach me how to run my services online.
I wrote chapters in two multi-author books
I kept myself very busy, attached to my computerI have known for some time that hiding at home wasn’t the best thing for me
But I kidded myself that if I was aware of it then it wasn’t too bad, even though there was a voice whispering in my ear.
Then the last few months it all ramped up!
The fear, the chaos, the division, the loss of freedom..
Then that afternoon in the bath it came to a head and I was hit with a heavy dose of reality. I could no longer hide
If I didn’t do something about it I was going to be in trouble.
Can I just digress here for a moment – when someone starts to slip into depression it doesn’t happen suddenly, it’s not like a cut or a broken limb, you don’t seek medical attention.
It’s an insidious energy that slides in slowly and unannounced until you are suddenly blanketed in it.
You can’t explain how you feel, so therefore you can’t talk about it.
When you ask someone ‘R U OK?’ they are going to say ‘Yes’, or ‘I’m fine’.
Very rarely will they say ‘I’m not’.
It’s too much of an effort for them to talk about it but also to scramble about in their brain, first to compose it and then to articulate what they are feeling. Most of the time they don’t understand it themselves
So while R U OK day is a great awareness for the general public to help them understand, it is not much help to the person who is having a tough time..
I realised I had been making suggestions to clients on how to navigate these tumultuous times . . . but I wasn’t taking my own advice.
It was a case of do what I say not what I do.
In the past I knew how to fill my cup to overflowing. I used to go to networking events, I used to see my children and grandchildren. Clients used to come to my house, I work from home, I used to have courses and workshops here, meditation and healing circles. I used to have hugs, so many hugs.
And now nothing.
Even my dog is craving visitors and gets so excited when a delivery person turns up at the door.
I realised in the bath that this ‘slipping’ has been a gradual thing. It didn’t happen overnight it snuck up on me quietly.
Over the past twenty years I have coped working with clients who are having a tough time and holding space for them because I had strategies in place.
But this past year and a half I haven’t been able to use those strategies.
Going to networking events, having people into my home/my work space, having family to stay etc have always enabled me to fill my cup to overflowing.
Having that taken away from me plus I’m dealing with clients who are having such a hard time with what is going on in the world.
The very same issues I’m having.
Slowly my defences have been eroded and I find myself in this situation.
I want you to know that I have many tools in the tool bag I have accumulated over the years and that I use successfully with my clients.
But when the heavy blanket engulfs you it is too much effort to use them.
I am not writing this because I want or need support.
I am writing this after I have pulled myself up by the boot straps and am putting those tools to good use.
And I did reach out . . . to a few people
I am writing this because there maybe people in you family, your circle of friends who are slipping, like me, and they won’t tell you because they can’t really explain it.
Everyone is suffering from anxiety at the moment. Adults, children and I know for a fact dogs (because they pick it up from us)
And depression is a very close friend to anxiety
Don’t let your loved ones hide away behind their hedge!
