There is no ‘one size fits all’ with grief

My mother died at 1am on Easter Monday 2004.

That is the day that I think of as the day of her death, not the date on her death certificate.

Mum died at 1am on 12th April 2004, she just made it to my daughter’s first wedding anniversary. But because of Mum’s death, I am fuzzy on the date and I always have to double think it (if that’s such a word). Strangely on the 12th April each year I am not melancholy and it can pass by without me thinking of Mum.

Recently I was reading a brilliant book called Crones Don’t Whine by Jean Shinoda Bolen. When I read the words ‘the body remembers emotion-laden dates when the mind has forgotten’, a light went on and I felt an internal sigh that what I had experienced was ‘normal’.

That triggered a memory of what used to happen after my father died. I would start feeling ‘funny’, sad, achy, even angry and I would pull myself up and try to work out why. Slowly, very slowly, I would realise it was the end of August. These feelings would start on or just before Dad’s accident, [he was travelling in the UK with Mum, when he was hit by a drunk driver and was in a coma for 10 days before he died] until the anniversary of the day of his death.

Now this was a very long time ago, 40 years at the end of this year. Way, way before I had studied any psychology or self-development. I was far too busy with four children and just keeping my head above water to focus on what was going on in my head. Yet, year after year when the end of August rolled around this inner turmoil made me uncomfortable enough to notice it.

No one in my circle had experienced death so I had nobody to talk to about my strange and bizarre reaction. It has taken until now when I read Jean Shinoda Bolen’s book to really understand what it was I had experienced.

My feelings were stuffed so far down after Dad died it took them 30 years to start bubbling to the surface. That is called frozen grief. There is no ‘one size fits all’ with grief, it is not a linear process, we are all different and so is the way we react to grief.

So if you are grieving just know that whatever it is you are going through, whatever you are feeling is normal, but it may not be comfortable. But if the feelings are overwhelming please find someone to talk to, preferably a professional.

If you would like to work with me I do sessions in person and also via Skype.

Email me at

You can find a Theta healer at

To put it into context here is the paragraph from Jean Shinoda Bolen, a psychiatrist:

“Our bodies also often express feelings for us and if we do not allow emotions to surface as our feelings, they can come out as our pain or a physical symptom. Unshed tears of grief, an anniversary reaction – the body remembers emotion-laden dates when the mind has forgotten.”


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The importance of loving yourself

“The fundamental problem that most patients face is the inability to love themselves.” Bernie Siegel MD

I remember reading his book Love, Medicine and Miracles back at the end of the ’80’s and it resonated so deeply with me, something shifted inside.

Women of my generation have been taught to be perfectionists

We were taught that we need to be all things to all people

We were taught that to do something for ourselves,

to think of ourself was selfish … the very worst sin you could commit it seemed

Then you had people screaming that women can have it all

You could have children, be a mother AND have a high powered job

You could do anything and everything a man could do

What happened as a result of those high expectations was a generation of women who exhausted their bodies and their spirits trying to pack in all that they thought they were supposed to do

Be the 1950’s housewife with the perfect home & perfectly behaved children
and at the same time compete with men in the corporate world.

What an unsustainable, insurmountable goal that was!

In order to attempt to juggle all those balls in the air women had to sublimate their own needs to the needs of others.

When that happens our emotions have to shout louder and louder in order to get out attention

and because there is no time or space to focus on ourselves, plus we’ve been taught that to do so is wrong
thoughts and emotions get pushed further and further down
and that’s when the physical symptoms begin

[I read that martyrs experience chronic resentment – that was so me when my children were younger!]

When you look at this very simplified explanation you can see the problems this created,

both in my generation and the generations to follow.

Each generation tries to rebalance the wrongs they felt the previous generation inflicted upon them

I see the same things manifesting in my clients,
each generation having their own set of issues
and most of them say they feel stuck.

At the crux of all of it is the need
to be seen and heard, to be validated and acknowledged

and how quick the turnaround and change begins when that happens!

Focusing on yourself is not selfish,
experiencing pleasure is not selfish,
they are both crucial for vibrant health!

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Money is the Root of All Evil …

Did you hear that when you were growing up? Perhaps you heard ….. ‘Money doesn’t grow on trees’, ‘we can’t afford it’, ‘I don’t know how we’re going to pay these bills’, ‘you need money to make money’, ‘you have to work hard to earn

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Our body is always talking to us?

Sadly, most of us don’t listen.   Or we only listen when we are brought to our knees.   I admit that even though I have known this for a long time and have been teaching it for the past twenty years I don’t always

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